When the demands put upon us exceed our capacity to meet them, we stress.
This is an accurate, yet overly simplistic perspective on the stress reaction. To better understand the nuance of the demand/capacity equation, we get to dissect that first statement:
"The demands"
A demand can be a task, a responsibility, a requirement, a timeframe, etc. Demands can vary in size, scope, and scale. Perhaps most importantly, for each demand, we have a perception of it--a relationship with it.
"Put upon us"
Our relationship with the demand impacts its 'weight.' If we perceive a demand as "put upon us," the weight of that demand is significantly heavier than its weight if we'd chosen to carry it. Recognizing and re-evaluating this relationship at the moment is emotional leadership.
"Exceeds our capacity to meet them"
Based on the above, we each have a unique threshold. Some have massive capacities for specific demands and less capacity for others. Our perception of the demand influences our capacity. Our volume of demands, whether we 'like' them or not, influence capacity.
"We stress."
Stress is common humanity at its finest. It's our inner system's reaction to a real or perceived threat towards something we care about. We live in a society and culture where "grit" and "grind" are badges of honor. To this inner system, it's like giving it the middle finger when we ignore stress, push through stress, and grit out stress. We can't out-grit stress.
Our relationship with natural processes and experiences of our humanity (stress) is best met with curiosity, patience, and acceptance. When the demands of life exceed our capacity to handle them, it's our responsibility to attend to the stress we experience. Here's how:
Awareness: Notice and acknowledge the stress instead of ignoring it. Take note of all the demands upon you at the moment. For each demand, get a sense of how you're relating to it. If stress or the catalyst for the stress reaction is happening 'to you'--know that you can shift this relationship and dramatically decrease its weight.
Acceptance of stress. Know it's only activated to protect you from something you care about and that your inner system perceives as threatening. Stressing over stress is one of the biggest causes of a human's stress. Accepting its presence at the moment allows it to metabolize, to adapt and move forward.
Action: It's up to you to calm the system. Breathwork, going for a walk shifting your eyes from side to side (scanning), and attending to the Parts of you that feel so threatened is our stress response to the stress reaction.
The Parts of us that perceive something as stressful are 100% committed to their perceptions. The thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviors, not to mention all the biological processes happening inside, deserve our leadership, not management. Management creates tension. Leadership creates certainty. Attending to stress with awareness, acceptance, and action is master-level leadership.
It's also a Vulnerabold thing to do.
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