Vulnerabold™ Sharings

Vulnerabold® Perspectives

Sharing what I've learned and experienced.

Big 'Buts'

Big Buts. I've walked around with a big but since I was a kid. It has gotten in the way of so many things throughout my life, and...

Arch Fuston

Feb 202 min read

Enough

Believing we’re not enough is the resultof not having received enough. Believing we're not enough is a hard place to navigate life from....

Arch Fuston

Feb 182 min read

Demand vs. Capacity

When the demands put upon us exceed our capacity to meet them, we stress. This is an accurate, yet overly simplistic perspective on the...

Arch Fuston

Feb 182 min read

Never been one to follow the masses. The road less traveled has always been more fun. Conventional wisdom has it's place, but with this, for you, the wisdom within feels more wise.

When the demands put upon us exceed our capacity to meet them, we stress.

This is an accurate, yet overly simplistic perspective on the stress reaction. To better understand the nuance of the demand/capacity equation, we get to dissect that first statement:

"When the demands..."
A demand can be a task, a responsibility, a requirement, a timeframe, etc. Demands can vary in size, scope, and scale. Perhaps most importantly, for each demand, we have a perception of it--a relationship with it.

"...put upon us..."
Our relationship with the demand impacts its 'weight.' If we perceive a demand as "put upon us," the weight of that demand is significantly heavier than its weight if we'd chosen to carry it. Recognizing and re-evaluating this relationship at the moment is emotional leadership.

"...exceed our capacity to meet them..."
Based on the above, we each have a unique threshold. Some have massive capacities for specific demands and less capacity for others. Our perception of the demand influences our capacity. Our volume of demands, whether we 'like' them or not, influence capacity.

"...we stress."
Stress is common humanity at its finest. It's our inner system's reaction to a real or perceived threat towards something we care about. We live in a society and culture where "grit" and "grind" are badges of honor. To this inner system, it's like giving it the middle finger when we ignore stress, push through stress, and grit out stress. We can't out-grit stress.

Our relationship with natural processes and experiences of our humanity (stress) is best met with curiosity, patience, and acceptance. When the demands of life exceed our capacity to handle them, it's our responsibility to attend to the stress we experience. Here's how:

High achievement is socially and culturally recognized and rewarded. Anyone who identifies themselves as a "high achiever" has a standard of doing that exceeds what they believe is expected of them or that surpasses the achievement of others through comparison.

High achievement is necessary. It supports us in doing hard things. It stretches us out of our comfort zones. It expands and exposes strengths and capabilities we might not have associated with ourselves.

I consider myself a high achiever. And high achieving has done and continues to do all of the above.

For some, it comes at a massive cost.

High achieving is a good thing. The motivations behind high achieving dictate how much (or how little) fulfillment we experience through achievement.

I spent most of my 30's and 40's high achieving with very little fulfillment. There were countless examples of success, and from the outside, one would think fulfillment was held in abundance. The motivation behind my high achieving was fueled by fear and anxiety. At some level of me, perhaps even terror.

Imagine showing up to work every day, months, years on end, with the motivation of "You better go above and beyond in every single aspect of this job or else they're going to see what a failure you are." This type of motivation forces you to work longer and harder, ridden relentlessly by parts of you that demand this, "or else." There is NO fulfillment in this. It's exhausting. It's empty. It's debilitating. And it is or was a reality for many of us.

It also doesn't have to be this way. When we attune with and attend to the sources of motivations that drive us, and acknowledge their origins, we can heal them. These 'introjects' that drive us to do more, be more, give more, aren't doing so from a values-rooted place. They're driving us in this way because if they didn't, they fear all of their catastrophizations will come true. And they're committed to this. It's life or death.

We all know how complex relationships are or can be. The same goes for the relationship with ourselves. My guess is all of us would agree that our closest relationships we have in life are deep--they go beyond the surface of day-to-day life. The same is true as it relates to ourselves. The more explore inside and seek to understand, the more our inner relationships can unfold.

If you'd like to begin exploring your inner critique, this is a good place to start. It's a small, intimate group, no more than seven.

Connect with me directly if you're curious or compelled.

Today in the Vulnerabold Sessions, we're exploring the "Three Poisons" of our emotional well-being, and how/where they're affecting us. If you're at all curious about this and want to either participate or 'fly-on-the-wall-it,' let's go.

Our sessions beings promptly at 2:30, PST, today for 1-hour. Reply if you'd like to explore inside with this group!

We're resetting Vulnerabold® Sessions on Wednesday at 2:30 PM, PST. If you have a curiosity towards exploring inside and getting to know yourself better, this is for you.

If you'd like to join, respond directly and I'll share the link. To learn a bit more about this, check out:

https://www.archfuston.com/working-with-arch/vulnerabold-sessions

for a video that speaks to what to expect on Wednesday!

Believing we're not enough is a hard place to navigate life from. It's the playground for those critical Parts of us. The ambiguity embedded within 'enoughness' compounds it even further, making confronting it a wild goose chase.

What's enough? What's the measure? An outcome? A amount? A felt-sense? How would we know when enough is enough?

These questions, albeit interesting to ask, might not be the best path to explore.

If your open to exploring inside, try this on, instead:

Give yourself a moment and connect with the FEELING of 'not enough,' not the STORY that fuels it. Notice the intimate details of this feeling of 'not enough.' What does this mean? Where do you sense it in the body? Is it in the frontal plane of the body? Below the waist? Is it embedded in a clenched jaw or tense shoulders? Take your time and deeply explore this.

Next, get a sense of the familiarity of this feeling. Is it new? Is it old? How old? Follow the path of this felt-sense back in time, curiously and compassionately. Observe where it takes you.

For me, I followed it to a fourth-grade classroom as well as a dining room table.

Once you get there, see the younger you that took on the load of not enoughness. Notice their pain. Notice their anxiety. Notice their fear.

Ask, "what did you need in that moment that you didn't receive?" What didn't the teacher, the babysitter, the parent, the coach, the (X) provide you that you REALLY needed? Patience? Love? Curiosity? undivided attention? Think on this, deeply. What is it that this little Part of you needed and didn't receive enough of?

Now, looking at this little, <anxious, fearful, embarrassed> Part. How would you have shown up for them? What would you have provided them more than enough of?

Imagine giving it to them. Feel what happens when you do.

––––––

Our belief of not being enough is the descendant of not having received enough. There is no blame, no fault, no responsibility for someone else to take or have put on them. We're all always doing the best we can with what we have at any given moment in time. And sometimes, it's not enough. The cool thing is, we're resilient creatures built to adapt and further unfold to the

Vulnerabold® Sessions (formerly known as the Explorer Sessions) is back by both popular demand and it simply being the right time for it.

Previously provided at the onset of the pandemic, this group-based coaching experience provides practice in being "vulnerabold." The small group structure supports deep, meaningful learnings through guided practices and adventurous questions, all engaged with intentional presence, together.

Our small group size (up to 10) ensures the desired depth of connection for this experience. There is no cost--it's a PWYW kinda thing (Pay what you wish based on your own perceived value received from each individual session).

Vulnerabold Sessions is held the second Wednesday of each month, beginning April 10 at 2:30 PM, Pacific.

For more information, please visit https://www.archfuston.com/working-with-arch/vulnerabold-sessions

@therealjayweber and @alixbarthnutrition, so excited to get going again!

This misunderstood experience of common humanity seeks our attention. We typically meet its well-intention with frustration and harsh self-judgment.

There's a better way.

This way begins with witnessing how procrastination is showing up. Curiously notice the Part of you procrastinating and how the behavior of procrastination is manifesting in the moment.

For example: If the procrastination manifests as overwhelm, break the task down into smaller steps that require less of your 'body budget' to complete and are less of a 'threat' to your demand/capacity ratio. Perhaps the less obvious action to take is this: shift your state. For example, an mundane task with little-to-know connection to can be approached with vigor with "Foo Fighters Essentials" level 10'd through the headphones. This shift in state is more than motivation--it increases our ability to think, create, and problem solve towards what we've been procrastinating.

If procrastination manifests as anxiety, attend to the anxiety, first. Using your breath, take two quick breaths in through the nose, then a full, elongated exhale through the mouth. Do this three to five times, or until you feel yourself settling. Once settled, schedule a time for later in the day/week to work on the task. This calms the anxious Parts that are pushing you to attend to the task. It's important that you deliver on your word to the anxious Part---this is a trust-building moment.

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Vulnerabold® Perspectives

Sharing what I've learned and experienced.

Big 'Buts'

Enough

Demand vs. Capacity

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